After stating the blog would go on, I haven’t touched it.
Partly I don’t feel like putting up more because I’m satisfied that Alex’s story was able to really be told. Partly I feel like the updates aren’t helpful since it’s just repetitive information – Alex is happy, now he’s unhappy, now he’s happy, and so forth.
But honestly, a lot of why I’m done has to do with Alex’s situation just not being one that makes for good updates.
The tincture hasn’t helped him very much since the brain surgery in late January. When it does help it’s only a little bit. We aren’t sure why. Many of his best days recently have been completely unmedicated, in fact. Since the surgery, his mood has been a bit better overall (though the initial all-happy-all-the-time situation didn’t stick around), but whether he’s happy or not, cannabis just hasn’t been doing much for him recently. This makes it tough to want to post any updates because … what do we say? On a good day without medication, it’s great to share, but it has nothing to do with our main struggle. On a bad day where he was medicated, I don’t want to share anything. I could say a lot about Saturday’s visit, but it was a really sad visit, and the tincture did nothing.
What’s worse is that we got a high-CBD oil donated from a local follower of Alex’s story (he said to refer to him as “Genesis”). We were very hopeful at first, but after giving it to Alex on two separate occasions, he was visibly uncomfortable and even unhappy. We gave it a minimum of two and a half hours both times and the results were basically the same: Alex was worse off after the dose than before. Since those doses we have only given it once more, and a very small amount (and it still didn’t seem to have any effect).
I feel like his story has done the best we could have hoped. We opened a few eyes to the fact that cannabis needs WAY more research. Children like Alex can be helped, but it’s almost impossible when it’s such a huge guessing game and the medical laws make it so absurdly difficult to try out different strains and get a regular dose figured out. Prohibition hurts children in his situation, and while cannabis clearly isn’t an easy cure-all, it’s got the most potential for helping deal with rage and pain.
I more or less said this during my interview with Russ Belville. I feel like there’s a strain and/or method of dosing that could work wonders for Alex, but I don’t really have much faith anymore that we’ll find it.
Alex’s story doesn’t have a happy ending right now, and I just don’t want to keep saying the same things over and over again about our inability to figure out what’s right for the kid, and generally my feeling that I failed him, that I wasn’t strong enough to keep him home or smart enough to figure out how to fix the situation. People have asked why we feel the need to defend our very personal and painful decision to place Alex outside the home. Why do we feel that we have to justify it? Because we have to remind ourselves that it was for the best. Because some days we just feel like shitty parents. Because a part of me will always believe that what we did was unfathomable, cruel, unfair, and inhuman.
We’ll keep doing the best we can, and we’ll keep trying different strains and dosing and delivery methods. I might come back to post very significant changes or particularly important activism information. Who knows, maybe one day the story will have a happy ending. But for now, I just need to focus on my family and not worry about telling the story.